Soul Writing

A little Red Burlesque...

2011-09-17T19:43:00.000-07:00

This is my latest artwork. Actually the image you can see here is a cropped part of a bigger painting but she is the main star attraction.

Yesterday, I was feeling very burlesque and channelled it into this piece of artwork. I like it because it symbolises celebrating the beautiful curves of womanhood. It's sexy and sensual. Something I think that all women can embrace about themselves. A little bit of self-love, regardless of how our external self looks goes a long way to showing the world the beauty that emanates from within.

This artwork is on watercolour paper, A1 size and 300GSM thick. I loved playing with this paper. I used pen, watercolours and gouche poster paints to make this one and danced around singing at the top of my voice to the songs from the movie 'Burlesque'.

All in all, I had a really fun time in my creative space yesterday.

Now I am working on drawings with lines, circles and a lot of symbology. I'll share something when I get some of it finished. Truth is, I am working on a number of pieces of art at one time, including the above, mandalas and oil paintings.

I've also opened up a new art page at 'MyPoppedArt' - http://mypoppedart.com/profile/SelinaShapland

Feel free to drop by and have a look at it.

Here is my Shardilmar Soulful Creations site - http://www.shardilmarsoulfulcreations.com/

This site has links to my Facebook Fan Page, this Blog, My Popped Art page and to my Deviant Art site too.

Life has been fun creating all these new networks and links with people who love art, are artists, creative souls and supporters alike. Please visit and enjoy.

Love and Blessings,

S x

Feeling... reflective...

2011-09-08T04:05:00.000-07:00

Tonight I feel reflective... like there is something welling up from deep inside me and it is going to manifest in the near future. I sometimes have these moments when I feel like things are about to take off in a new direction.

I do not know which part of my life that this change will manifest but I know that something is whirling around me like a great big aurora boriealis - not sure if I can even spell that correctly! :)

This week I've doodled in my visual diary, chatted up a younger man, flirted my butt off with him and had a fabulous time. He is really cute... anyway... erm... moving on.

This feeling that is growing inside me is best described like I am a little flower, all curled up in a beautiful bud waiting for just the right time to burst forth into the world and show off the subtle beauty of my inner world but not in a drums and fanfare kind of way... hmmm.... this is kind of difficult to explain.

Maybe over this weekend I will take some time out in my creative space and let it flow out through colour. That could be very interesting a lots of fun.

I think that life is very much like artwork for me. My experiences are filled with colours and tone, light and shade and that contrast brings a rich quality to who I am and how I express myself.

Truthfully, I do not know if anyone bothers to read these words, but I don't think that matters so much. What matters is self-expression and allowing that which needs to be expressed the opportunity to flow in whatever way best suits me or whomever may be allowing that creative quality to flow forth from them.

I guess I have been feeling reflective and I am quietly excited about this feeling of new beginnings that is emerging from within me and swirling around me.

There may be more artwork on the way! Woo Hoo!!!

Jewellery Exploration...

2011-09-03T20:00:00.000-07:00

The other day I was wandering through the bead shop and came across these gorgeous little howlite skulls. I couldn't resist picking up a pair that just seemed so right together, so they came home with me to create a lovely little pair of earrings which are now for sale on my Etsy shop - Shardilmar Soulful Creations.

I love them and I think I might have to go back and get a few more skulls to put together for myself. So cute... at least I think they are.

I also picked up a larger howlite skull for a necklace, but I've had some difficulty getting it together with other beads and jewellery findings at the moment, so I guess it's one of those times when I should leave it til something pops out at me and says 'I am what you need for that Skull...'

Yes, I am very intuitive in the way I do my jewellery and art.

Even these earrings say transformation to me. The skulls representing the true self beyond the facades of life that we wear and the angel wings represent the transitions that we go through in life. I like that kind of symbolism. Of course, they mean something different to someone else and that's great. People should get what they most need out of the jewellery and art etc that they surround themselves with. In a way these things speak volumes of who we are to the world. A little tiny glimpse of the internal us to outter world.

Very exciting I think!

French Starlet Melanie Laurent

2011-08-27T01:31:00.000-07:00

Melanie Laurent - French Starlet drawing. Ink pen with glitter and pastels on pastel paper.

I was very drawn to this particular actress and her simple beauty but found myself creating a somewhat broody image of her... I don't think this reflects the actress, but more that I may have been in a moody broody spot as I was creating her on the page.

I guess that's what art is all about. There is an intensity to her look that I quite like.

Created this one on A3 paper last night, 26th August 2011.

Water Goddess in oils

2011-08-24T16:25:00.000-07:00

This oil painting is sitting in my creative space drying. She created herself last weekend. I had a painting with a wave on it and it just never felt like it was finished to me so I started to play again as I did this beautiful contemporary Water Goddess appeared.

I am not sure if this one is actually finished yet... sometimes I need to let my work sit and cure for a while until is 'speaks' to me again and encourages more interaction.

My latest artwork

2011-08-21T22:16:00.000-07:00

This is my latest oil painting. It's about 12 x 18 inches and 1 inch thick.

I have created it specifically for a lovely friend of mine in the US. Once the oils dry that's where she'll be off to.

Very exciting.

Although, I don't think that this photo does the painting justice. It is much nicer in the flesh as far as I am concerned.

When I was painting this peice I was listening to Caroline Myss discussing her concepts 'Defying Gravity' and moving through the Shadow self into the inner Graces. I was thinking of my friend, of healing, emotions and burlesque.

This image was based on a movie star but that's about it. The image created itself after the initial drawings and came out as you see it now.

I love it and I am so pleased that my lovely friend in the US loves it too!

What I've learned about dating, dudes, dudettes and relating so far...

2011-01-03T17:47:00.000-08:00

It's the 4th January here and the first day of the working year but I'm on holidays and so so so grateful. Actually, I have to admit I feel very relaxed at the moment, I am loving it!

I was just sitting here contemplating; enjoying a quiet moment of internal reflection on life and relationships and being single to. I guess I think about that a lot. Maybe it is because of where I am in my life and my age... I don't know but I find it to be a fascinating subject actually.

I've learned a thing or two about relating to guys in my life now and it feels good to know what I do know and apply it to my life so that I can be happier in myself and not confused.

It's what helps me work things out when I'm interested in someone... so I thought I'd share a little of what I've learned about dudes, dudettes and relating so far:

All the guys I've known have been up front and told me exactly who they are and it's in my best interest to listen to what they're saying about themselves and their values in life. I find it interesting how many women try to read something into a dude's words or actions that isn't there, why bother? If they tell you that all they want a fling and you want a long term loving relationship, it's an instant mismatch, so move on sista;
It's important to know my own values and what I'm looking for in a relationship so that I don't fall in to something that is a mismatch core value wise. I've done that a few times and it's taken a number of lessons, but I'm finally getting it;
If a guy likes me, I know now that he doesnt forget I exist, so there's no need to panic about hearing from him. I like that a lot, it takes a lot of stress off me and I don't wonder if they want to get to know me or not cause the answer is right there. They either take action, ask me out, call me or contact me or they don't. If they don't, well, there's the answer, I'm not on his mind - very liberating;
If a guy says he's going to call and he doesn't, it's not much use wondering why? Gawd, it's obvious isn't it! He's not into me. Again, it's kind of liberating to realise that if I'm not on his mind, then I'm free to find someone who can't get me out of their head - yippee!
I've found that women try to figure dudes out but it's a massive waste of time. Seriously, if you listen to what is coming out of their mouth and take notice of the actions they take, it's all pretty self-explanatory. They either like you enough to be in your life or they just don't. It's too much effort to worry about those who aren't into you, why put so much energy into that??? Why give your personal power away to someone who isn't interested??? Why not move on to bigger and better things in life??? Who is to say that the next person you bump into might not be the man of your dreams!
Don't try to change a guy. OMG - why??? If he isn't matching with you why try to recreate the person? He's his own person and that should be the way it is.... why oh why to do we try to change a person to be more to our liking? It does not work and it's a destructive behaviour to boot. He is who he is, you are who you are and that's just the way it is. Love is about acceptance, understanding and forgiveness, regardless of faults and foibles. We're human and change should only come through the individual's internal choice that they want to change for their own reasons, not because another person thinks they should. GAWD - I hate that, but I have to admit I've done it and had to learn that lesson the hard way too...;
I've learned that to build a loving relationship, I need friendship with my man, I need to get to know him and there must be trust, it's about building a firm foundation in life.

Anyway, that's just a snippet of what I've been thinking about and considering as I wander into the new year.

There is much to be discovered and all forms of relating are important for self-development and enjoyable.

Oh and I forgot to add that:

If a guy likes a girl he wants to get naked with her. He can't keep his hands or his eyes off of her and when it is time to play sexy love making together, he's delighted. I guess if he doesn't want to get naked with you at some point and stick around to see you after... he's either a player or he isn't really that interested.... sorry;

I love this and I learned it in life and through the book 'He's just not that into you' - that book is strangely liberating for women I think. As depressing as it is at first to realise that the guy you've been lusting after isn't worth you're time, effort or precious self at all, I think it's liberating to know that you have just found out how to easily move on and be ready for the right kind of guy to come into your life. I love that book!

A little blog about this crazy life of mine!

2011-01-02T19:08:00.000-08:00

"I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship." Louisa May Alcott

I've sat here trying to write a blog for quite some time today and I've not been sure what I wanted to write about but then it hit me!

Something has been bothering me, really getting under my skin lately, not making me angry but agitating me inside myself and I have to tell you about it. I want to share something of my life's experiences with you but I have not known how to approach this...

Gosh, I'm still not sure how to put it, how to spill the beans so to speak!

Where to start?

I'll start right here... when I was a little girl my dad was angry. I think he was really very angry with himself mostly but it manifested in nastiness towards me, my brother and my mum. He drank all the time and actually, as much as I loved him, I don't think I ever really knew who he was but that's another story.

Anyway, I remember the taunts that would cirlce around us all on a daily basis.
"You're no good"
"You're a slut"
"You were born in the gutter and you'll never be any better..."

Stuff like that and more obscene versions which I won't expose you to.

So as you can imagine this took on a life force all of it's very own for me, my brother and my mum. After a while of being told something with such repetition, it's hard to hold on to positive self-esteem and you begin to believe the lies as if they are a reality.

Mum did what she could to ensure that my brother and I felt loved but it was hard for her too as she was in a loveless relationship herself and as much as mum gave, I could see that it was hard on her to be so alone in a relationship with a man who was emotionally absent from the world. I really feel for mum, she held herself together under such enormous emotional and financial pressure and I couldn't be grateful enough for the mum that I have, I love her so much.

I guess you're wondering why my mum never left dad? I wondered that too, many times, but I think economics and a certain belief that you just got through it once you were married kept mum there. I don't blame her, she did the best she could and I love her for it.

I don't hate my dad anymore, I've come to forgive him but what happened in childhood has written on me and my brother, deeply and now as adults we each need to begin to peel away the falsehoods that took away the self-love and self-confidence that was our God Given Birthright.

And that's where it gets even more difficult because how do you acknowledge that you are 'reliving' an out of date belief over and over in your life if it has become something that is normal for you?

I guess that is where life steps in and begins to lend a hand. People entered into my life to begin to show me through my actions and theirs how deep the pain went for me, how much I had lost myself emotionally to the past and how much I needed to be the one to empower myself to dig my own way out of it.

About five or so years ago I started to go to a counsellor and explore these things inside me that directed my daily actions, the way I saw things and reacted. My internal filters of how I saw the world were out of kilter and I knew something was up because I just kept feeling depressed and like I had a huge hole in my heart centre. Life was rough, I'd gone through a breakup, had a rebound relationship too soon and was incredibly broken. Of course, I didn't know back then that a lot of what I was dealing with was a manifestation of my inability to forgive my father and move my emotions in the present day.

It was really bloody hard work trying to find my self-esteem. Sure, I looked confident in the world when I wore my professional mask but inside, I always felt like a naughty little girl who was waiting to get into trouble, walking on eggshells.

I've lived with that feeling for far too long and I hate it. So my counsellor listened to me, she asked me to take a different view of the world that I was seeing and interacting with. She got me to look deep inside myself and discover what lay in that deep dark hole in my heart centre and face it.

Anger lived there and pain, lots and lots of unprocessed pain. I still have some of it, but a lot has been dealt with now. But that anger and pain, it ate me up from the inside out. It drove my actions in the world and I was more sensitive to what I have now learned were my triggers.

I had to turn this around. I had to make a start and walk the journey inwards before I could walk back out into the world to be the wonderful human being that I am becoming now.

My counsellor once said that I have changed so much in these last five years, I have healed internally and I have processed so much. She said that given everything that I have been through in my life that she wouldn't expect me to be able to have a long relationship until about now in my life. I get that because I've had a lot of 'stuff' to deal with and discard from who I was.

I had to learn through her how to get my self-esteem back, how to be with myself - alone, how to love the good, the bad and downright ugly parts of myself and own them. No more projection of my negative side onto the outside world, I had to take hold of the pain and hug it so to speak and nurture myself as I would for a person that I loved.

She taught me to face my fears and no longer allow them to have so much power over me and my life. In recent times I have faced a very hard period regarding relationships, potential parenthood and the painful realisation that I cannot be with anyone who is a regular drinker of alcohol... yes, I am that damaged internally. I cannot cope with self-medication in my world and I had to learn that the hard way, through experience. I had to learn that my need for love from another almost outweighed my inability to cope with addictive behaviours in those I love and care for... I had to learn to step back from that which does not serve me and think of what is best for me first.

So I crashed, rock bottom again. The worst emotional crash I've ever had was last year. And through that experience I realised that I had to make new choices in my life. I had to turn this around and no longer allow the emotional memory of my father to live in the present with me. I don't quite know how far along that path I am just yet. I just know that a whole new world is opening up inside me that I didn't realise I carried around with me until I went through such tumultuous upheveal.

Personally, I think I'm still processing things and that a crash is not a bad thing for me or anyone else if it is used to self educate and learn where you are in life. I am healing. I know that now, but I am still a little emotionally raw because I can still feel the anxiety inside me lurking under the surface which I deal with every single day.

I guess I wanted to share that even in the toughest of times light can still shine and that even though we may be told that we are 'less than', it doesn't have to be that way for us, we can choose to walk a different path and to sherk off the rubbish layers of false beliefs from the past and be reborn to a new perspective at any moment of our choosing. How incredibly empowering is that!

That is what I love about humanity. People can be right shits or live through immense pain, but it is how we choose to deal with it that really counts in the end.

Life is about choice and for me it is about learning to be a better person, the kind of person that I know lives there inside me. I believe that life is about taking what we have and making the best of it, of throwing away what does not work and embracing the parts that do work. And I reckon that we are all here to experience stuff and that isn't always good, sometimes it's down right shitty stuff, but as I've already said, it's what we do with the experience, how we learn and put things into practice that will ultimately show the choices we have made and who we are in the world.

Which brings me to another quote that I find inspiring from my daily affirmation cards: "If you do not change direction, you will end up where you are going." Lao Tzu

Life, creativity, exercise and my lovely violin

2010-09-05T00:23:00.001-07:00

This afternoon I had my first violin lesson in about four weeks. Various things got in the way of regular lessons but I have them when I can.

Today I had an opporunity to see some of Sila's other clients which was really lovely. I know I say this all the time, but really he is an amazing teacher and it shows in his students. There was a young lady before me learning violin and after me new student, a little girl and her mum came for her first piano lesson. Very exciting. I hope that little girl came away as excited to be learning the piano as I was about the violin.

Anyway, I have to admit... or rather confess... that I just haven't been getting in as much violin practice as I should and would like to. Mainly because I've been coming home at night after a long day's work and ubber early exercise session at the gym and collapsing in bed to die to the world for the night. I just have not had the energy to pick up my beautiful instrument and torture it a little more so that I can improve my playing.

But I'm going to make myself give it a regular highlighted spot in my life, even if it is only five minutes. Small regular stints of playing will do me the world of good and maybe I'll be able get to the music store sometime soon and pick up some new sheet music to learn too.

It's only a couple of months away from Christmas and I'd like to learn a carol or two! Yes, there is an extremely evil and wicked part of me that wishes to torture my housemates with carols! Am SO naughty!!!

I know one of my housemates absolutely detests christmas carols and I quite like them, so I guess I'll have to play my carols when he's not around so I don't make his ears bleed and also to keep my own safety in tact - ha! ;)

There's been a lot going on in my life and yet at the same time not so much. I'm a paradox.

I've been doing lots and lots of reflective writing as I have been processing a lot of stuff inside of me, like my body clock singing to me and coming to terms with being single again. It's all tied up together to a certain extent.

I had to take some time out to immerse myself in the second season of True Blood and get hooked on the sexiness of Eric Northman the vampire I'm in love with... I know, I am that sad - really. I lusty lust lust after him...

I wonder... should I admit this to you all??? ha, I don't care who knows, I loves him in a lusty way and hey, he's the ultimate unobtainable man who can never break my fragile heart!

I've just started creative writing again this weekend. My creative urges died for about a month and then yesterday, BAM, there they were again. And now... gone again. Oh well, in time I am sure that I'll harness my creative writing and make it work for me.

My artwork isn't going anywhere at the moment either. I was prolific for about two weeks and then nothing. I wish I could get some kind of flow on effect with my creativity.

So as I said, I haven't been playing my violin as much as I should or would like to. I do love playing it and I am getting better so it should be something that I'm chomping at the bit to get home and do. I guess I need to pace myself throughout the day so I'm not so exhausted when I get home.

In the last month I have been healing my broken heart, which I am happy to say is mostly together, except for the odd moment when I see or have to interact with Tony, I'm pretty good.

I've been experiencing a little loneliness on and off which hasn't been very easy to deal with but I do get through it and as Silas once said to me 'hey, you have a violin now so you can play it instead!' or something to that effect. Silas is a real sweetie and I think a sensitive soul in this world.

Silas is such an unassuing soul which is such a lovely quality and he tells me that I'm sounding much better when I play my violin. I am very grateful to hear that feedback, but I do think he's just a great big sweet heart and super kind to boot. He really does give lots of support and encouragement to everyone.

My exercise routine has totally changed in the last four weeks. Now I get up at 4.45am to go to the gym and do a 40 minute interval running session three to four times a week. I have a PT session on Tuesday mornings at 5.15am for 45 minutes which I love. My new personal traner, Stephen, totally rocks. He's very inspiring and is helping me to achieve a fit, healthy and leaner body.

He wants me to go to a running group on a Sunday morning at 6am to do a 6km run on a weekly basis. I have to admit that at first I was totally interested, but as I've been doing the treadmill regularly, I just don't want to get up that early on a Sunday morning. I'm lazy at the moment, no matter how keen I'd be.

Stephen tells me that I can go back to bed after the run, but I can't do that. Once I'm up, well, I'm up and I want to do stuff with my life. I'm sure that Stephen will eventually get me out to do the run on a Sunday morning, but he'll have to have one hell of a carrot for me to do it!

Let's watch this space for where that leads. :)

Dreams...

2010-07-24T21:36:00.000-07:00

I dream a lot and I remember a lot of my dreams.

I like my dreams as I find that they tell me about myself, not just processing the day's events or processing things from the subconscious, my dreams are a whole lot more than that to me, they have deep personal meaning to me.

Over the years I've discovered that I have a kind of inbuilt 'dream dictionary' for the symbols my mind uses to talk to me and I have found it very exciting to jot down what I dream and then take a good look at my life to see what the message is for me.

I have discovered that when I am going through a transformation in my life, be it an internal one or something outside of my control caused by outside factors, I have snakes turn up in my dreams. Snakes speak to me of release of the old so that something new can be embraced in my life path and that the more I struggle against the changes the harder the change will be on me. Snakes shed their skin as they grow and symbolically when I no longer need something or I have outgrown a particular way of being, I find it is time for me to 'shed my skin' of the past and be reborn to the new.

When I feel that I am in a dangerous situation in my life or there is danger around me that I have not recognised on a conscious level, crocodiles show up in my dreams and scare the hell out of me so I sit up and take notice of what is happening around me in my 'everyday waking reality'.

Last night I had a reocurring symbol appear in my dreams again. In the dream I was taking a bath and when I stood up blood gushed down my legs into the bath creating a massive red puddle around my feet. It was no longer water and blood, but just blood alone and it didn't matter what I did, I couldn't stop the internal bleeding from my womb and my life force leaked away from me.

My dreams last night flittered from image to image and showed me other symbols that indicated that I am loosing my 'life force' or vital energy and the message for me was to sit up and take notice of what is going on, who or what could be tapping into my energy and why am I so reluctanct to stop 'feeding' them with my life force?

Blood loss always tells me that I am loosing my vital energy, but when it is paired with loss from my womb, which is symbolic for my creative centre, I know that I am in a situation somewhere in my life where I am leaking vital life force energy that has the ability to make me very sick if I don't work it out.

The blood in my dream was gushing out of me which symbolically represents how fast I have been loosing myself to something that I am not meant to. My dream indicated to me that I need to come up with a strategy to stem the flow of energy (blood) and seal off the leak (stopping the blood loss).

Many people scoff at dream analysis and each to their own, but this system works very well for me and I'm grateful that I am open to receiving the messages in my 'night walk' so that I can make my 'day walk' just that much better.

Blessed be.

Reflections on my Weekend

2010-07-18T03:29:00.000-07:00

It's Sunday night and I'm sitting here at my computer after a fabulous weekend, listening to Loreena McKennett's album 'An Ancient Muse'. Her music is so mystical and always brings me back to my spiritual centre where I feel a deep and loving connection to Spirit in all forms. I feel that I am loved and that I can easily connect with the divine energy of that which is much bigger and profound than I and I am grateful for such moments in my life.

On Saturday I did a rip roaring excellent RPM class at the gym and felt thrilled to be alive after dragging my lazy bum out of bed with the birds to get there. Then I spent most of the day hanging out with my housemate, chatting and drinking coffee. Excellent!

After that it was time to go out and meet up with Melissa, one of my most dearest personal friends and true spiritual kindred soul in my life. I am truly blessed to have such a friendship with Melissa as I do. We went out for dinner to this kind of self-serve italian restaurant in the city called 'Vapianos' where they make all their food fresh in front of you . It's so delicious that the tastes make you almost orgasm in public! ;)

Then it was time to find the Brisbane French Festival. Apparently it was at Southbank but when I finally found it, it was more closely located to South Brisbane. Bloody dodgy directions! There was live music, people dancing, can can girls (with pants on people!) and a beer garden which was hideously overpriced so we decided to swing by the bottle shop on our way home and have a drink or two while we chatted at Mel's place.

It was WONDERFUL catching up with Melissa. We stayed up til 1am - sorry Melissa for keeping you awake so late when you had to work, but I so loved our chats.

By the way, Melissa, you look amazing. Beautiful inside and out!!!

Today, when I got home it was time for yet another coffee followed by a little sleep.

I spent my afternoon doing more of my creative writing assignment and it's nearly finished, just a little story to write up and it'll be done. I need some more creative ideas to form before that happens, so thankfully there is no specific deadline - only my own desire to creatively write.

In the evening I've been painting my wolf 'Boundaries' painting. Laying down the second and third layers, watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer third season episodes and then jumped into my violin practice for about 40 minutes before updating here. I have needed to be intensely creative and fill my time with things that truly make my heart sing with happiness lately.

Anyway, my violin is going pretty good but I think I may need to invest in the book that my teacher told me to get soon so that I can learn more drills and tid bits to get better at playing my music. I do love playing the violin and I'm looking forward to playing well. Silas tells me that it takes about 3-5 years to become quite good at the violin and that it is just a 'skill' not a talent.

Last Monday morning, Silas and I had an interesting discussion about the difference between a talent and a skill and I suppose it is somewhat subjective to each individual on how they perceive such terms. But basically, I believe that Silas is talented and he believes that he is just skilled. I believe that people are born with certain talents in their lives of which they can choose to apply themselves to and make into something quite amazing and that is where skill comes into it.

But Silas tells me that it isn't talent, it is skill as learning a musical instrument is no different to learning a language, maths or tying your shoelaces. I guess that Silas is right in a very interesting way that I had never thought much about before.

I take what he said to me on board but I still believe that when people have a talent for something it comes just a little easier than the average joe who is learning the skill itself. But then again, I could be wrong. I guess in my case, time will tell... about 3 to 5 years from now I'll be able to tell you a little more about that outcome! :)

Now I'd better sign off and get ready for bed. Work tomorrow and Body Pump tomorrow night, so there's lots going on in my life.

Thanks for reading this if you have and have a lovely day, night or whatever your doing!

This is where I am finding myself...

2010-07-11T03:56:00.000-07:00

Today I spent a great deal of my time painting a piece that is reflective of where I am in my life right now. It was an image based on myself which took off to have a life of it's own.

The art piece depicts a young woman holding on to a big ball of energy with three butterflies fluttering around her head. The ball of energy represents the spiritual forces in my life that are there at all times that guide me, protect me and love me and of course give me enough of a challenge in life to flex my spiritual muscle and see what I'm made of. It represents God/dess, love and the purity of divinity in my world.

Butterflies are a totem for me which represent the cycle of life, death and rebirth that I live through, whether that is the natural cessation of life or the death of a cycle in life.

In the many years that I have been following and walking my own spiritual path I have come to see a pattern in my life and in life all around me and it is this cycle of life, death and rebirth repeating over and over again. Human beings live, die and are reborn through many cycles in their lives.

Relationships are one such area where this happens and it can be very painful, not unlike loosing a loved one to the finality of death. Changing jobs, moving house, friendships that die only to be replaced with new friendships are all examples of the cycle.

Nature shows me every day through the seasons this cycle in action.

Winter is the time of sleeping or stasis - like death, nothing is moving in a way that we can 'see' with our physical eyes.

Spring begins to stir life, animals get frisky, life bursts forth from the trees and shurbs, there is a freshness in the air that I can taste and smell. I feel alive, like I'm being reborn.

Summer brings the heat of life out into the open, scorches the ground, warms the body and makes time for fun in the sun and in the water. I may feel hot in this time but I am out and about living it up while the sun is high in the sky.

Autumn comes in and the world comes quietly to a restful place, at first it is still warm and inviting but after a time the cooler air begins to touch the world. Animals prepare for winter and I begin to pull out my warmer clothes and begin to settle back into cocoon of sorts in my life, preparing for the 'sleeping' time of winter to come.

And so through the seasons of nature and earth, I am born, I live, I die and I am reborn each year. In my mind that is a precious gift in appreciating the wonderful world that I live on.

But it is through relationships that are 'born' into my life that I live the joy of discovering my world with a new person again, followed by the the 'life' of the relationship where love can/does blossom, where depth of knowledge is gained and applied to the relationship and the person whom I am with that is truly exciting.

And then, often to my dislike comes the 'death' of the relationship where I must learn to live alone again, to find myself and become a whole person without the 'other' there which can be difficult.

But just like winter, if I allow myself to rest quietly in this 'in-between' space, I find that I heal, that I learn deep personal truths and lessons and another little piece of the whole me is slotted into the Selina puzzle. That's exciting once I've come to a point of accepting it.

Then what? Rebirth of course! In my new life, alone I am rebirthing myself and preparing myself for the next encounter before me. If I embrace the positive things, learn from the negative then I know I can and will move forward in my life in an empowered way. But if I struggle and fight with the universe - of which I always do give it a good go, then I usually find myself stuck for a longer time in a place where I don't actually want to be. That is... until I practice the fine art of SURRENDER!

Anyway, this is where I am finding myself at the moment. I feel like I am in a phase of 'in-between-ness' rebirthing myself to be ready for the gorgeous things that life has in store for me and for that I am grateful in advance because life truly is a beautiful gift and I treasure it.

Contemplations...

2010-07-01T19:59:00.001-07:00

My life has been a whirlwind of contemplation mixed with a good dash of activity lately. I've been pursuing a secret love of mine by starting an online writing course to hone my fiction writing skills and bring out my creativity.

It's been a little difficult at times as I have also been processing a lot of emotional turmoil from my breakup, I've felt extreme isolation and loneliness. I've cried, I've laughed and looked like a completely crazy woman muttering to myself to just make it through the day. But in the end I think as they sing in the Rocky Horror Picture Show 'stay sane inside insanity' and that's just about where I'm at.

Processing heartbreak isn't easy, but I think it's good to go through, despite the painfulness of it all as I always grow and become a better person afterwards, not to mention that I somehow discover another little piece of myself I never knew I had, like knowing more of myself, what I want out of life and a relationship and exactly what my core values are. I also learn about what I will do differently next time round. So there are bonuses to this whole heartache journey.

So while going through the grieving process, I've done an excessive amount of reflective writing, a little bit of nasty drawing in my visual diary to show my real feelings, played my violin lots (which is improving all the time - thank God!) and punched the living daylights out of an innocent boxing mat the other night which felt WONDERFUL. In fact, my exercise has increased lately and I am loving it. I do enjoy it when I get out there and jump into activity. It's exactly what I need.

I'm looking forward to the 12th July as my violin teacher will be back in town and it's my next lesson - yippee! I hope I dazzle my jet-setting Violin Teacher with my fabulous memorising of the celtic jigs I've been practicing over and over again.

Not that it matters if I don't, it's just that I'd like to achieve a personal goal to have them memorised and be able to play them fairly well so I can move on to learn other musical stuff. We'll see.

Anyway, I guess that's it for my contemplations and updating. I'm doing okay and life is improving day by day for me. Change is a good thing, even if it is disguised in a package I didn't particularly like.

I'm sure that there are many more wonderful things coming up in life for me, so I'd better be open and ready to receive them I reckon!

Every ending brings a new beginning

2010-06-14T23:27:00.000-07:00

My lower lip trembled as I looked up into his big brown eyes.

His face blurred before me, something ached heavy and ominous in my chest, it hurt. The pain swelled and shot through me as though it hitched ride in my own blood, sending arrows of fire straight into my unprotected heart.

I looked at him for the longest time. What did he say?

The words echoed in my mind Oh Selina, I can’t let this go on, that’s what he had said.

I knew the meaning, every single part of me knew what he meant. The truth surfaced from the depths of my inner being to the surface of my freckled skin.

I stood frozen in that moment, people rushing about all around me as I slowly stepped away from him to see his face shutting down, shutting me out.

Salty wetness trickled down my cheeks and plopped onto the leather straps of my backpack as life rushed by and I stood still, trying to comprehend what exactly was happening.

‘Not here’ I whispered, my lips hardly moving. Did sound come out of my mouth? He touched me lightly, brought me to his warm chest for a brief embrace and let me go just as quickly.

‘Maybe we should talk about this on the weekend?’ he said. I stared at him, life speeding past me on all sides, while I stood like a frozen lump in the middle. ‘On the weekend?’ I wondered out loud trying to make sense of what was happening.
Wasn’t he breaking up with me now? I thought.

He watched me for a moment as I trembled, my body knowing before my brain accepted it, my heart broke into millions of tiny shards on the platform before his very eyes.

‘Do you want to do go talk about it now?’ he offered. I nodded mechanically and turned. Hot wet tears falling from my eyes as we each swiped our go cards to get out of the train station.

‘Where do you want to go?’ he asked me.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and pointed to the stairs leading up to a private court yard, filled with people.

Shit! No privacy anywhere. I thought.

‘Over there’ I pointed to an empty bench space in the darker area of the court yard. We sat down and he held my hand. I could feel the warmth of him as he watched the grief crash into the world from inside of me. I cried and gulped for air as he talked to me. What did he say?

‘Selina... I’m sorry, I just can’t let this continue. I’ve thought about it and I can’t be a father again. I know you want this in your life but I can’t do it. I’m sorry Selina. I was going to tell you on the weekend...’

On the weekend...? The realisation struck me that he had planned to break up with me on the weekend anyway.

More tears poured out of my eyes as the reality smashed me in the guts.

My mind reeled. ‘I know.’ I said ‘I think I’ve known for a while... but... I always hoped...’ my chest caved in again and punched another gaping hole in my heart.

I gulped for air, eyes red raw, I tried to talk, but the words would not come, only fragments that he could not understand. People watched us, I could see them as I tried to hide in plain sight.

‘I still love you. I just can’t be a father again.’ He repeated as he held my hand and then gave me a cuddle, holding me as I snotted onto his blue shirt collar. Strings of spittle clung to him from my wet mouth as I pulled away not caring how hideous I looked.

Words formed in my mind but I could barely speak them. One at a time I got them out. ‘I I I love... you... to...’ I gasped as I crunched up my drenched tissue and blew my snotty nose again.

‘it’s better this... way’ I affirmed, nodding more to myself than to him.

More tears, more pain shattered through my body. I was so accepting of this, but I didn’t want this. I didn’t want us to be over... I couldn’t stop it. How did this happen? Why? Why do I always end up being left, alone...? My mind played leapfrog and leapt from one emotional rejection memory to another. It’s happening again. Not again. I felt sick, sick, sick.

‘We can still see each other and call and text’ he reassured me.

‘No, we can’t’ I said.

‘Why?’ he searched my face for answers.

‘Because we’re over now, you made your decision and things will be different now. It won’t be the same anymore.’ I managed to say this as another rush of tears overwhelmed me and wrestled my short lived calm into near hysterics again.

‘It won’t be the same...’ I repeated when my tears had subsided.

My mind in a mantra You don’t understand. Everything will be different now. It won’t be the same... I sat watching him as I caught my breath and tried to calm myself. I said nothing for while.

‘I can’t take your chance for you to have children away from you Selina.’ He wiped his eyes with the back of his hands. Did he have a speck of dirt in his eyes? Or was he really crying? I couldn’t tell through the gritty pain of my own eyes.

I hoped they were tears for me.

After much repetition we stood up and walked to the train station together. He hugged me and gave me a single quick kiss before he took one last look at me and ran down the stairs and out of my life.

I watched him go, I watched him walk away from me and as I turned to find my own platform I knew my life would never be the same again. I was changed, life had changed and darkness waited for me like an old familiar companion on the road of heartbreak I had experience in my life so far. I didn’t want to meet up with my old shadow "heartbreak" again, I’d hoped that that relationship had actually been over a long time ago, but I knew then that my shadow waited for me and I could not escape the painful journey before me.

Tears rolled down my face as I tried to pull myself together and find my way to my own platform, shock rolling through my body, I tried in vain to stop the visual display of my emotional break up with the man I had loved for the past sixteen months from showing. Deep seeded rejection filled me as I numbly boarded the train. Silence engulfed me.

The safe haven of my car waited for me as a new flood of tears washed over the boundaries of my eyes and warmed my cold cheeks. I cried all the way home and alone in my house, I picked up my dog, Bobby and comforted myself, nuzzling my face into his silver grey fur as he loved me like no other.

Numbly, I changed my clothes and wrote a note to my housemates which said:
“Tony won’t be coming over anymore. He broke up with me tonight.”

If I were someone to indulge in drugs, then I would have taken them that night, just to check out of the pain that stabbed me every time I closed my eyes.

I went to bed and cried myself to sleep only to wake up and cry for two thirds of the night and lay staring at the shadows on the walls huddled close to my dog, heartbroken and alone.

That, was the end of my last relationship.

It's been five weeks since that night and I have faced a great deal of inner darkness on my way to finding a happier state inside myself. Outwardly, not many people would have seen the sadness that I have gone through, but those closest to me have seen it.

I am grateful for what I had with Tony. He is a lovely person and what happened was for the right reasons, even though my emotions never ever wanted to truly accept that.

Each day is better than the last and as I've always believed, when an ending takes place in my life, new things grow in the empty space. In time, as I heal, I know that good things will happen for me.

But I think I might let relationships take a BIG back seat in my life for a while. I'm still feeling a bit emotionally battered and have things to sort out inside myself before I'll be ready to meet someone new I think.

Farewell Eva...

2010-04-08T21:45:00.000-07:00

This remarkable young lady, Eva, passed away at age 25 from Cystic Fibrosis on the 27th March 2010. She had a double lung transplant which her body rejected and brought her ability to breath down to 15% and continued from there it seems. But she had a fantastic fighting spirit which was beautiful even from across the world.

I came across Eva's blog 65RedRoses on Live Journal quite a while ago. She was a true inspiration to me and to so many other people out in the world who came to know her through the electronic medium of blogging. (http://65redroses.livejournal.com/ Copyright © Eva Dien Brine Markvoort 2006-2010).

I was fortunate enough to follow her blogs while she was alive, to see her celebrate christmas and to move through the difficulties that she faced just being able to take a single breath through her blog.

I am very grateful that Eva opened up her life to the world through her blog and touched my heart and soul so profoundly.

I have written about Eva before and I still encourage people to go to her public blog and see for yourself what an inspirational young woman she was in her life. She blogged from 2006 til shortly before she passed away in 2010 and even though I did not know her personally I feel the loss of her beautiful bright soul from the community of the world.

When I look at her blog now I can't imagine that she will never again write such beautiful words on it... With all my heart, I wish her family well on the new journey that life will be from now on. The loss of one so dear, so close and so radiant in their lives will certainly reorient the compass of their lives and the lives of those who were her avid readers.

I wish that Australian television would broadcast the documentry that she helped make on the lead up to her lung transplant so that more people could know the beauty of this woman who has taught me to truly appreciate the air I breath, to be thankful that I can easily walk down the street, that I can run, dance, jump and play. She gave, through her view of the world, many an opportunity to stop feeling low and self-pitying about their life circumstances and an opportunity to embrace a new, positive life view of their own world.

Sometimes we are called home, even the young.

I am reminded of a scene from Star Trek 'Generations' where Jean Luc Picard has lost his only brother and nephew.

"Reminds me to cherish every moment cause it will never come again. What we leave behind is not as important as how we have lived our lives. After all, Number 1, we are only mortal."

Yet Eva has left a legacy of humilty, compassion, love and acceptance of that which she lived with and through. She lived her life, really lived it even in the confines of a hospital room.

Mirror mirror

2010-03-30T17:45:00.000-07:00

I love this pic because it's all blurry and is very much a symbolic representation of how I feel at times in my life... sometimes life feels blurry around the edges and I wonder, 'where am I going?' and 'what's it all about???'. I contemplate and reflect and search and ponder.The blurry times are not always so good, sometimes they even suck. But I have found that at the end of confusion, some point in my journey of life clarity comes along and wipes away the blurry edges to reveal some morsel of truth and revelation to me. That is something I find very exciting and profound.

I love symbology, I love that a mirror is only a reflection... how impersonal and open to all it can be - is. I love that mirrors show me exactly what is before it... and if it's not a warped mirror then the images can be pretty fabulous.

In art you learn to see and to draw exactly what is before you. You learn that your mind often distorts the images, sagely knowing and labelling what is before it and stuffing up the pictorial representation. Mirrors are fabulous in my mind because they can be clear as the sight needed to draw exactly what is before you and they can be as distorted, unclear and smudged too. Is it ego that drives me to believe that I know exactly what is before me? Why do I buy into illusion?

Just thoughts.

My mirror has stood the test of time, committed to reflecting and yet it represents an elusive lover who never commits to anything specific. I stand before my mirror and I am reflected. Sometimes I see me as I am and sometimes I see a distorted image of myself as my emotions and feelings colour my inner world and filter the images to my brain.

My mirror does not see me, but it does show me. As things move before my or any mirror, the changing world is reflected in the clarity of the image. I love that symbology. I love that a mirror is reflective of the constant flow of life, moving from moment to moment, non-commital to all who stand in front of it. Even shop windows dance the merry dance of reflection with all who walk by surrepiticiously glancing sideways to catch their own reflection, ever watchful for how good they look, is their hair just as they want it, are they fat or thin or who knows what else. The reflection reflects and moves on to the next, no committment, no emotion, just acceptance.

In my life my mirror has danced with me when I have been all alone as though I were still a small child. My mirror cried with me as I have expressed my deepest inner grief before it and I have glimpsed the pain breaking inside me like a wave breaks across the unfeeling rocks, my facial features skewed as I have attempted to hide from the world, eyes red and puffy, swollen.

My mirror has watched reflected the love I have for my little companion dog as I have held him in my arms before my mirror and cuddled him to my heart knowing that this moment is so very prescious to me and will live in my memory for all my life.

I am awed at the symbolic representation of the mirror to show me the impermanence of life as moments exist in the here now and then they are gone to become the ever-present. The past is gone then from view, moment to moment to reveal the future as it threads through the now-ness of life and is beautifully reflected before the mirror.

All just thoughts that I thought I'd share. Sounds like I'm a self-centred narcissist doesn't it?

The girl who fell in love with her own reflection, but unlike her, I know that my reflection will show me from day to day, year to year the age upon my face and body and I will see the surface reflected knowing that on the inside I am always learning, learning, learning, and doing my best to apply what I have learned to live a good life for myself and those I love.

The mirror cannot show me or the world the depth of my soul, the beauty of my inner world, but it can reflect that which I choose to show the world. Mirrors are wonderful!

Ramblings done.

Stepping out of my comfortable comforty zone

2010-03-25T20:05:00.000-07:00

I've made a decision and it's a pretty big one for me. It's a bit of a commitment and I'm sincerely terrified.

I keep thinking 'What HAVE I done?!'

What on earth has possessed me to do such a thing??? I think I may have been having a moment of complete insanity when I did it.

Oh dear.

Well, no time like the present to challenge my self beliefs and negative self-talk, so here goes.

Next month - April to be exact, I'm starting violin lessons again. This is a huge decision for me. I tried it about ten years or more ago, I did like it, but I was put off because I couldn't understand how to read music and more than that, the teacher I had was a bit forceful in getting me to do stuff during our lessons that freaked me out and I found I didn't want to go back. That's when I took my rental violin back and threw it in. When I told her I didn't want to continue she wanted to know why? I was too spineless to say 'it's because I don't enjoy the way you teach...'

Since then I've grown a little and I realised that I wanted to go back, or rather actually start to learn to play violin. So I've found myself a pretty cool teacher - Silas Palmer - http://www.silaspalmer.com/ and arranged my first lesson.

He sounded pretty cool over the phone and put all my nerves at ease and he said some magic words to me... and they were 'we're going to have lots of fun.' Truthfully, he couldn't have said any better words to me on learning to play a muscial instrument than that. Those words about fun and enjoyment have rung true for me and now I'm so looking forward to my lessons and practicing to.

I know I'll sound like I'm stepping on a cat for a while but I'm hopeful that one day in the near future I'll be able to actually play something that people (mostly me) can really enjoy hearing.

Now all I've got to do is find the right violin for me. That is stressful, cause I know zip about them but I'm researching and will be going to some music stores that specialise in violins this weekend to check them out.

Actually I went to Allens Music yesterday, which were a little pricey, to have a look and was totally overwhelmed by how much out of my comfort zone I was in there. I had a mini panic inside about the complete insanity of my decision to learn the instrument and then slapped myself around because I KNOW that I CAN do it, but it'll take time, patience, a lot of self-love and perserverance both from myself and my teacher.

My housemates know that I'm going to be learning the violin, so hopefully, they won't hear me til I can actually play something recognisable, as I plan to practice when they're still at work or are out. And I found that I can buy string silencers so that I can practice without actually bursting anyone's eardrums.

So here's to a great big whooping jump in to the musical unknown for me and I hope I swim, float and cruse down this musical river of personal discovery!

Wish me luck - I think I'll be needing it. And spare a thought for my poor housemates who may have to endure my first tentative steps into the high pitched realm of a string instrument.

The reoccuring Tim Tam...?

2010-03-17T23:52:00.000-07:00

It seems I have this groundhog day kind of experience going on in my life lately and it has to do with a Tim Tam.

Each afternoon for the last three days, I have sat at my desk and a single chocolate Tim Tam has somehow mysteriously arrived for me to eat. I've done my team proud and eaten the tim tam being thankful the chocolatey goodness at just the right moment to get me through the last part of the day, and thinking that this was the last I'd see of them.

But no.... the Tim Tam returns the very next day.

How?

I've been very observant and the evidence suggests that these random Tim Tams hitch a ride with my colleagues into my office and onto my desk, thereby the evil doing Tim Tams cry out to me to be eaten.

I am so very weak and cannot resist a Tim Tam in distress and before I know it, I've consumed yet another one. Three days in a row so far.

I wonder... what will tomorrow bring? Now that I have noticed the pattern maybe the Tim Tams will retreat and find another unsuspecting person to fall prey to their hungry little cries to be eaten?

An amazing artist...

2010-03-15T15:37:00.000-07:00

Wow - just have to share with you all that I've just realised that I have an amazing glass bead artist that works near me. Her name is Avril and she is just fantastic. If you have the time, maybe you might like to take a look at her beads and necklaces. I think they're simply amazing and all hand made!

With permission from Avril Bowie, the amazing artist, I'm adding photos of her gorgeous creative designs to my blog. I hope you'll have an opportunity to view her wearable art at http://www.heartofglass.com.au/

And the best bit?

They're for sale!

I'll be investing in the near future myself... bring on payday!

I think Avril's work is absolutely stunning, I love the blues like the ocean, the greens like the forests and glass like pearls!

S

Marc had eyes that shone with delight!

2010-03-13T14:07:00.001-08:00

Sometimes in life, there are things that happen that shape us so deeply that, well, we are never the same after such events take place. It is the ultimate change and one where we feel helpless for our mortality is before our eyes in such a way that we cannot deny it.

No matter the circumstances, death's touch is silent and transformative. It touches each of us, from the one who is taken to those left behind, left to buffet around in the winds of change and to truly see the shape of the person who has now passed over on each of our lives.

I am saddened deeply today, for one my beautiful cousins has passed away last Friday night suddenly and he was young, so very young, still a teenager, 17 years old.

My heart breaks for his family who loved him so very dearly and lost his light from their lives. I know that this event will always be with them no matter what happens from this day forward.

I moved away from Canberra so very long ago and in my memory Marc is still a child. I did not have the opportunity to see him again as a young man, but I know that he was a beautiful soul, a beautiful child and a beautiful light in the lives of who loved him, especially his grandparents, my aunt and uncle. My aunt adored him and he adored her.

I can remember the way his eyes shone with delight whenever he would look up and smile widely, mischievously at my aunt, his little round face peering over my mum's own dining table at my aunt as she sat on the other side watching him. I remember Marc's straight blonde hair, his big bright shining eyes, a gorgeous smile and a true innocence in his love and exploration of life back then, he was such a sunny side of life kinda guy!

It is one of my favourite memories.

I do not know who he was as a young man... and although I did not get to see him grow up I am no less affected by his loss. Sometimes I am left wondering what to say and in this situation, I often feel that I have no words to convey the depth of what I feel for those who have lost someone they love.

In these tragic moments in life, I realise yet again, the precious gift of life, of love, of family, friendship, and of loss. That in loss I am given a deep and undenyable appreciation for all that I have in my life and although I would rather that loss did not happen, I know that I have no control over this inevitable part of life.

So thank you Marc for living in this world and sharing your Grace with us all. We, each and everyone of us have been deeply touched by your bright and beautiful presence on earth and I for one will cherish the gifts that you brought to me, as only you could, for all my days to come.

You were a blessing to this world and now you have returned home. There are those left behind to see the shape you have left upon them and the world around them. Life without you will never be the same but your family are loved from many sources, including you and you are deeply loved too.

May love and healing come to your parents, grandparents, uncle and all those who loved you throughout your life here with us.

Blessed be and farewell cousin, rest in peace now.

2010-03-10T17:59:00.000-08:00

My first blog here on this site and as always, I feel stuck for something to say in the beginning...

This here is a pic of my beloved baby dog. He's got chronic renal failure which was diagnosed late last year. I was devastated when I found out cause I knew where this yellow brick road is going to lead.

Since that time, he's been doing well, can't eat any protein now as it causes his kidney's to lower their functioning capacity and he ends up with his tail between his legs, lower back hunched up and groaning a lot. The vet says he probably feels a little nauseous and that's why he doesn't always want to eat.

But so far so good, he's doing well, even been jumping around like a puppy lately. I am so very aware that everyday I have with him is a bonus and am very grateful for that gift.

He's 14 years old now and I'm not sure how much longer we'll be together, but I am going to continue to make the most of the days we spend together and make sure he knows just how deeply I love him.

Life is beautiful even in the face of loss...

But for now I'm not going there!